Reflections of a nude model - seeing is loving
Hello out there!
This blog is about my experiences with nude photography as a means to self-healing, and what posing nude has taught me in general.
In June 2018, I met up with my good friend, photographer Astrid Ubaghs, whom I met in 2015 at Japanese class.
So much has happened since that awkward day when we met.
We could instantly feel a deep connection (and as we both believe in reincarnation, we think this has to do with past life connections – actually, during a session, we have been told that we have spent a life together as male lovers in late 1800th century Tokyo! but that is another blog entirely), while at the same time feeling quite reserved towards each other.
Those feelings faded over time as we got to know each other, and I soon realized that Astrid was a very creative and unique individual, and not too unlike myself in many ways. We started being creative together. I passed on some knowledge about drawing and painting, and Astrid started taking her photography more seriously, and soon went from doing very common photos to developing her own style.
I was fascinated with her work, and the mood she was able to create.
One of many things that happened since 2015 is that I have posed as a nude model for Astrid!
This doesn't seem so odd to me today, but when we met, it was totally unthinkable.
I was so ashamed of my body, and completely covered in clothing at all times.
I would never show my body to anyone, as I thought that if I could hide away all my flaws, I could at least pretend to be perfect - though I wasn't.
And I was right: I could pretend.
In fact, one of the reactions I have gotten to sharing my self-love journey is: "It's easy for YOU. You're young. You're beautiful. You're perfect". (I admit openly that one of the persons who said this was .. my mom XD). But not just her, though.
And this leads me to one of the things I would like to say with this post:
Most of us are trying to appear better than we are, making our lives or our looks as "perfect" as possible. This is quite natural. After all, who really feels up for a selfie when our boyfriend has just left us and we're lying on the floor, with nasal mucus all over our faces?
But trying to appear as perfect as possible is potentially very harmful towards other people.
It is also natural to compare ourselves to others, and when we present a "perfect" picture of ourselves on social media, it will make others feel inadequate, thus making them want to make themselves look better. We end up in a vicious circle where nobody wants to show themselves as they are.
This is where I was during the first shoots with Astrid. Okay, we could do some photos, so long as I didn't have to show myself as I am!
I was feeling very self-conscious, and in the beginning of our work together, there was no talking of nude photos at all (or I wouldn’t have agreed!).
Our first shoots together were fully clothed. I sat in a closet wearing long red socks (a tribute to Kate Bush), but we still got to know each other more and more through the process, and I soon realized Astrid had an obsession with the female body.
I saw her other work with other models, and that was very often revolving around nudity.
I didn't know what to think. It is only now that I look back and write this blog that I truly realize just how much Astrid has helped me forward.
When we met, I barely ate anything. I didn’t want to go anywhere out of fear that something might be served that had more calories than I was allowed (and since I ate 1200 kcal a day, that was very likely to happen).
This June, I was nude in public with her, and we took these beautiful photos that you can see in this blog.
The help I received from Astrid has taught me the value of giving self-care and self-love to others.
Astrid was just there, in my life – loving HER body. Nothing else. She was on her own journey towards self-love, but she was authentic and didn’t try to conceal her struggles. She showed me how to love and take care of your body. She taught me that our bodies deserve our love and respect.
She was also the inspiration behind my painting myself naked (more on this in another blog!), as I had helped her paint herself naked and found the project thought-provoking. I was amazed with this girl and how, to her, her body was something to nurture and take pride in. Mine was a cage and a hindrance.
Through experiencing someone else who loved their body, I was able to finally move forward towards accepting my body. I will never again undervalue the power that we ALL have when we step up and dare to love ourselves openly.
It shows the way ahead to everyone else, no matter where they might be in their own journeys. I don’t think we should leave it up to our culture, social media and celebrities to dictate how we should be and feel about our bodies. We need to be right here, in our own lives and be an empowerment to the people we meet.
If anyone out there is on their own journeys and might be ready to take this same step I took, I highly recommend Astrid.
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| The Faun (2018) |
Many people try to avoid looking at themselves.
And I know all too well just what it can do to you - the endless selfies where you pick out the ”best” photo out of 50, and delete the rest. This is a sure way to start to hate yourself even more. In time, you forget about the 49 "bad" ones, and you start beating yourself up for not looking like you did in that one photo you saved because you liked it.
When you are portraying yourself in certain angles only, it is very possible to completely distort yourself, with or without airbrushing and other tools.
I think many people have tried this; ending up in a situation where they feel that the "angled" version is what they should look like. (More on this in another blog)!
That is the magic of Astrid: her photos show you as you are. The only way to true love and acceptance is to really see yourself. It is not putting on tons of make-up and trying to look like the girls in the magazines.
You can, these days. The tools are available. No doubt about it.
Anyone can filter and photoshop themselves these days to get a temporary fix:
we post this altered and perfected version of ourselves online, and people comment: "Wow! You look so beautiful!".
We feel happy and worthy. Until we don't, because we look at ourselves in the mirror, and that perfected image is not real.
We have been taught that looking good is the most important thing in life. It's the key to happiness and success. Only that is a lie.
However, waiting to be perfect (I just need to lose weight, I need that wrinkle removed, I need my nose fixed, and THEN, I will be happy) is a sure way to throw your life away. And that is the truth.
"There’s so much pressure on young women to be beautiful. To put a photograph up on social media and have people go ‘wow, you’re so beautiful’. And unfortunately it’s such an empty pursuit, really.
To be told that you’re beautiful. There will always be another beautiful woman to follow.
I think women really need to shift their focus on something that creates a foundation for them as they grow through life". Shirley Manson
It truly is an empty pursuit.
We end up with a worse self esteem than before, because of the gap we create between the person we show the world and the person we see in the mirror.
I was aware of all of this when I agreed to pose nude - entirely nude - for Astrid.
I wore no makeup, either.
The day of the photo shoot was quite wonderful.
The air was warm and the wind felt like smooth silk on skin that had been enclosed in all kinds of layers of clothes for a decade. I felt alive.
There was no need to try to be anything other than what I was at that moment in time.
I didn’t try to find any ”good” angle, as I already knew that there is no such thing. There is only pretending and not pretending.
But knowing is one thing - walking the talk, quite another.
Astrid, however, is like a healing mixture on my wounds. I felt 100 percent natural around her.
I didn’t suck in my belly, or pose in any traditional way. I was just there, sensing the moment. I was fine. I knew that I was perfect as I am.
And that we all are.
When I saw the photos a few days later, at first I felt .. well, quite bad, to be honest.
I went through them, immediately checking whether or not my flaws showed.
As you will learn, I am not going to pretend to have all the answers or be "saved".
This blog is an attempt to be authentic in my sharing of my experiences; otherwise, there is no point in writing about them at all.
I wish I could say that I quickly and fully healed - but it doesn't work like that.
Once you have been taught to think a certain way, to see things a certain way, there will always be a fight you need to take.
Looking for my flaws is something I am still programmed to do after years of practising this, over years and years of self-loathing. I say "programmed", because I believe we learn how to do this. We are experts in seeing what is wrong with us, and really good at comparing ourselves to images we experience daily (and that have been altered).
It takes time to dismantle the negative thought-patterns. And once you know how to do it – you have to keep doing it!
Like life, self-healing doesn't have a finish line that you can cross and then all is good. You have to consciously choose to love.
Every day.
We are brainwashed from an early age. There WILL be stuff – voices that are not our own – left in our heads. But what we must do is shut those suckers up!
Because, NO! We do not need to live up to any ideals. We do not have to improve in order to be okay.
We just need to be here, with love for ourselves and others.
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| Huldren (2018) |
All my flaws were there:
My pear-shaped breasts, that the other girls used to make fun of back in school. And then, they were even the same length (I think, because I hated my body so much I would avoid looking at it – I NEVER looked in the mirror naked), but now the skin isn’t as tight as it used to be and they are definitely not the same length or size.
”Your breasts have such a funny shape”, a girl one told me after handball practice. Hmm. I don’t even know what to say, still, after more than twenty years.
We should build each other up, not tear down.
What else can I say? Your words have so much power, and we need to think about that a lot more than we do. We can make or break each other. Truly.
So there were my breasts, small compared to the rest of my body, because at the age of 12, I wasn't eating because I thought I was fat, and my breasts never developed.
My thighs, my hips ... not small at all, but very curvy and with fat here and there. My cellulite. My stretchmarks. My tattoos.
ME.
I went through all of these points of insecurity and I put the photos away. A few hours later, I looked again. Later, once more.
A few days later, I looked at them with Astrid, and slowly but surely, I started to get used to how I looked in them. I even started loving them! Not for their beauty, because beauty is a lie, but for their expression. For their honesty.
Somehow, I got to the point where I was able to share them with you, today.
I am still insecure in my heart and body, but I know now with my brain - and that is an important step! - that I am good enough as I am, and that I HAVE to heal.
I have to keep moving forward.
Enough is enough, and I won't wait for death or decease before I start appreciating what I have.
Once we know how things should be, we can start working towards them.
If you want to see more of Astrid's work, she is on Instagram as @astridubaghsphotography
I wish you self-love <3
Christina
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