I EXIST FOR ME
Hello to the wonderful people out there!
I have found some inspiration today that I want to both work with through writing this blog - and share with as many people as possible!
I found the e-course, I EXIST FOR ME, by feminist and body activist, Jessi Kneeland, and read the posts on Facebook and Instagram where she honestly and beautifully captured the many parts of her life in which she has been existing for others - instead of herself.
Realizing how badly I needed to do the same, I immediately took this oath to publicly reclaim myself, my life, and my body as existing only for myself:
"My feelings, needs, and desires are valid.
I do not have to earn my worth, or control how other people perceive me.
I will no longer center the feelings, needs, desires, experiences, or expectations of others: I am the center of my own story.
I am not here to be looked at, or to make other people comfortable.
I exist for me.”
The following points are the core of this course:
You do not exist to be pretty, or nice.
Your worth comes from so much more than how you make other people feel.
You do not exist to turn men on.
You do not exist to be thin, or beautiful.
You do not exist to take care of other people, or make them happy.
You exist for YOU.
When I started out as an aspiring body activist, I focused on, well, my body, first and foremost. That remains a fair starting point XD
But reading Jessi's posts, I realize I want to bring much more to the table. It is all connected. How we feel about our bodies is connected to how we feel about ourselves in general, and how we feel about ourselves is a mental thing as much as it is a physical.
It's all connected.
So I will aim to be even more personal than I have in previous posts from now on. I will focus more on the mental aspects than I have before. And of course, in this post, I will list the ways that I have lived for others instead of myself.
1. I do not exist to be pretty. I do not exist to turn men on. I do not exist to be thin, or beautiful.
This was what I started out with. I was feeling weary of trying to be perfect when I wasn't, and I was feeling like a fraud, who could at any moment be called out by other people as an imposter.
Hiding my flaws was a daily hole that I was throwing all my energy into.
I was afraid what would happen if people saw my body. I was paralyzed by this.
I have already written several blog posts about this part and I have realized that it is a common thing for most women.
And for years, I thought I was the only one! That is because when you spend your energy self-objectifying, seeing yourself as another person would see you instead of actually being in your body and concentrating on what your body is telling you, there is simply no energy left to think about how other people are feeling.
As I have healed over time, I have more energy and thus, I am much more capable of understanding other beings and being kind and supportive to them.
This is what my blog has been about so far. My personal war against perfection and my re-claiming my body ...
but then, there is also:
2. My worth comes from so much more than how you make other people feel. I do not exist to take care of other people, or make them happy.
This is an aspect I hadn't ever considered. I had felt the need to consider it many times, but there has been so many other things yelling for my attention.
I do not have a major problem with these things, which is also, I think. why they failed to make my To Not Do-list until now.
I know MANY other people, though, who are terrified of speaking their minds because they worry that other people won't like them anymore.
We have been taught that we have to stay quiet and be as small as possible to make other people comfortable.
Jessi Kneeland makes the brilliant connection that this has to do with especially women struggling to stand up for themselves because we have been taught that we have to be nice to be liked:
Even I, who have always not cared much about what other people thought, recognize this. And more so over time. I have always struggled with understanding other people.
As a teenager, I was diagnosed with Autism, mostly because I failed to understand others.
I think the problem was that I never tried. I simply wasn't interested - maybe because of the energy I lacked from not eating and from constantly worrying about how I looked.
I am a very emotional and sensitive person, so I doubt that I lack empathy. But either way, I still learned that I was unacceptable, simply because I DIDN'T ADAPT.
And guess what? I never did. I wish I could say it was a more conscious choice, or that I understood what not adapting would mean for my future, but I didn't. I just knew that I wanted to be left pretty much alone. I didn't understand the other kids and didn't want to play with them. I didn't understand their games, or I was no good at them.
I was afraid.
It cost me tremendously.
I was bullied daily from the moment I started school. In kindergarten I had been left alone, or I don't remember being bullied. But when I hit school, it was very clear that I was a Strange Child.
Year after year of mental and physical abuse followed, and for many of them, I stayed strong. I didn't have the level of consciousness to really realize what was going on.
I basically only knew that I wanted to be left alone, but couldn't be. That I was being stalked just so that people could make fun of me.
But as the years went by, these things had gotten under my skin, it seems, and I started feeling much worse.
I was all alone and I was starting to realize it when I went to a boarding school for a year, far from home.
Still, I didn't adapt. I started to realize that I would have to, though. Then, I spent year after year trying to become Nice and Pretty, so that people would Like Me.
If only I had known then what I know now: people all want to be pretty and nice. But after all, you can go a much longer way with authenticity and honesty.
I started dressing sexy before I knew what that was, trying to follow the girls I idolized: the popular girls. (I later learned that they suffered bulimia and likely struggled as much as I did).
As a teenager, I learned the hard way how the world will treat you when you ARE pretty and dress sexy. I was again rejected by everyone, except for a group of guys who took me in and whom I thought of as my friends.
I didn't understand that there was a gender difference or a power struggle going on, neither with the girls I met - or, in a different way, with the boys.
I was still unaware.
I was critiqued heavily for my looks. I suppose people thought that I was pretty and that I should be put down.
Maybe it sounds like I am quite stupid for not understanding all these things, and maybe I was. But I don't think social understanding and communicative skills are necessary to be intelligent (luckily for me).
I could continue my story, but I think I will end it with the point I wanted to make:
As an adult, I was, for the first time threatened on the things that mattered to me:
MY FREEDOM and MY CREATIVITY.
I had stopped painting and expressing myself creatively for years, and it had sent me over the edge into a void so deep I thought I would never get back up.
As an adult in a society where mental illness - or illness, in general, as it has become over the last years, wasn't a reason not to work, I suddenly had to adapt if I wanted to be free - and I did, more than anything.
Slowly, I learned how to imitate other people and I was baffled when I started faking everything and mimicking others back at them: NOW they liked me! NOW they wanted to be with me! I was amazed.
And how to let that go, after having been alone all those years?
"Women are afraid of looking too emotional, too sensitive, too terrifying, too angry, too demanding, too everything".
I have definitely struggled with accepting my own vulnerability and my own emotional nature. I react with emotion, and I feel things deeply, and I used to hate that because it meant that people could hurt me. I am still trying to balance all the things I wrote about it this - quite chaotic, maybe? - post.
I'm not there. But I am trying. I am fighting to take power back that I unknowingly have given away.
I'm not here to tell you how to do things, I think we all do things our way. But I believe in the power of inspiration more than anything.
And if sharing my life and my inspiration can help others the way other body activists help me - then it's worth it!
After all, we are all unique. We all have a perspective to share. We all have inspiration to give.
Much love, Christina <3
I have found some inspiration today that I want to both work with through writing this blog - and share with as many people as possible!
I found the e-course, I EXIST FOR ME, by feminist and body activist, Jessi Kneeland, and read the posts on Facebook and Instagram where she honestly and beautifully captured the many parts of her life in which she has been existing for others - instead of herself.
Realizing how badly I needed to do the same, I immediately took this oath to publicly reclaim myself, my life, and my body as existing only for myself:
"My feelings, needs, and desires are valid.I do not have to earn my worth, or control how other people perceive me.
I will no longer center the feelings, needs, desires, experiences, or expectations of others: I am the center of my own story.
I am not here to be looked at, or to make other people comfortable.
I exist for me.”
The following points are the core of this course:
You do not exist to be pretty, or nice.
Your worth comes from so much more than how you make other people feel.
You do not exist to turn men on.
You do not exist to be thin, or beautiful.
You do not exist to take care of other people, or make them happy.
You exist for YOU.
When I started out as an aspiring body activist, I focused on, well, my body, first and foremost. That remains a fair starting point XD
But reading Jessi's posts, I realize I want to bring much more to the table. It is all connected. How we feel about our bodies is connected to how we feel about ourselves in general, and how we feel about ourselves is a mental thing as much as it is a physical.
It's all connected.
So I will aim to be even more personal than I have in previous posts from now on. I will focus more on the mental aspects than I have before. And of course, in this post, I will list the ways that I have lived for others instead of myself.
1. I do not exist to be pretty. I do not exist to turn men on. I do not exist to be thin, or beautiful.
This was what I started out with. I was feeling weary of trying to be perfect when I wasn't, and I was feeling like a fraud, who could at any moment be called out by other people as an imposter.
Hiding my flaws was a daily hole that I was throwing all my energy into.
I was afraid what would happen if people saw my body. I was paralyzed by this.
I have already written several blog posts about this part and I have realized that it is a common thing for most women.
And for years, I thought I was the only one! That is because when you spend your energy self-objectifying, seeing yourself as another person would see you instead of actually being in your body and concentrating on what your body is telling you, there is simply no energy left to think about how other people are feeling.
As I have healed over time, I have more energy and thus, I am much more capable of understanding other beings and being kind and supportive to them.
This is what my blog has been about so far. My personal war against perfection and my re-claiming my body ...
but then, there is also:
2. My worth comes from so much more than how you make other people feel. I do not exist to take care of other people, or make them happy.
This is an aspect I hadn't ever considered. I had felt the need to consider it many times, but there has been so many other things yelling for my attention.
I do not have a major problem with these things, which is also, I think. why they failed to make my To Not Do-list until now.
I know MANY other people, though, who are terrified of speaking their minds because they worry that other people won't like them anymore.
We have been taught that we have to stay quiet and be as small as possible to make other people comfortable.
Jessi Kneeland makes the brilliant connection that this has to do with especially women struggling to stand up for themselves because we have been taught that we have to be nice to be liked:
"Many women struggle to stand up for themselves or others because we have been taught that doing so will make other people uncomfortable, and that it will make us look unappealing/unfeminine. We’ve been taught to be “nice,” which is really code for being passive and letting people do whatever they want without repercussions. We’ve been taught not to make people feel bad or hurt their feelings, which often translates to not holding people accountable for their actions.
Women are afraid of looking too emotional, too sensitive, too terrifying, too angry, too demanding, too everything".
Even I, who have always not cared much about what other people thought, recognize this. And more so over time. I have always struggled with understanding other people.
As a teenager, I was diagnosed with Autism, mostly because I failed to understand others.
I think the problem was that I never tried. I simply wasn't interested - maybe because of the energy I lacked from not eating and from constantly worrying about how I looked.
I am a very emotional and sensitive person, so I doubt that I lack empathy. But either way, I still learned that I was unacceptable, simply because I DIDN'T ADAPT.
And guess what? I never did. I wish I could say it was a more conscious choice, or that I understood what not adapting would mean for my future, but I didn't. I just knew that I wanted to be left pretty much alone. I didn't understand the other kids and didn't want to play with them. I didn't understand their games, or I was no good at them.
I was afraid.
It cost me tremendously.
I was bullied daily from the moment I started school. In kindergarten I had been left alone, or I don't remember being bullied. But when I hit school, it was very clear that I was a Strange Child.
Year after year of mental and physical abuse followed, and for many of them, I stayed strong. I didn't have the level of consciousness to really realize what was going on.
I basically only knew that I wanted to be left alone, but couldn't be. That I was being stalked just so that people could make fun of me.
But as the years went by, these things had gotten under my skin, it seems, and I started feeling much worse.
I was all alone and I was starting to realize it when I went to a boarding school for a year, far from home.
Still, I didn't adapt. I started to realize that I would have to, though. Then, I spent year after year trying to become Nice and Pretty, so that people would Like Me.
If only I had known then what I know now: people all want to be pretty and nice. But after all, you can go a much longer way with authenticity and honesty.
I started dressing sexy before I knew what that was, trying to follow the girls I idolized: the popular girls. (I later learned that they suffered bulimia and likely struggled as much as I did).
As a teenager, I learned the hard way how the world will treat you when you ARE pretty and dress sexy. I was again rejected by everyone, except for a group of guys who took me in and whom I thought of as my friends.
I didn't understand that there was a gender difference or a power struggle going on, neither with the girls I met - or, in a different way, with the boys.
I was still unaware.
I was critiqued heavily for my looks. I suppose people thought that I was pretty and that I should be put down.
Maybe it sounds like I am quite stupid for not understanding all these things, and maybe I was. But I don't think social understanding and communicative skills are necessary to be intelligent (luckily for me).
I could continue my story, but I think I will end it with the point I wanted to make:
As an adult, I was, for the first time threatened on the things that mattered to me:
MY FREEDOM and MY CREATIVITY.
I had stopped painting and expressing myself creatively for years, and it had sent me over the edge into a void so deep I thought I would never get back up.
As an adult in a society where mental illness - or illness, in general, as it has become over the last years, wasn't a reason not to work, I suddenly had to adapt if I wanted to be free - and I did, more than anything.
Slowly, I learned how to imitate other people and I was baffled when I started faking everything and mimicking others back at them: NOW they liked me! NOW they wanted to be with me! I was amazed.
And how to let that go, after having been alone all those years?
"Women are afraid of looking too emotional, too sensitive, too terrifying, too angry, too demanding, too everything".
I have definitely struggled with accepting my own vulnerability and my own emotional nature. I react with emotion, and I feel things deeply, and I used to hate that because it meant that people could hurt me. I am still trying to balance all the things I wrote about it this - quite chaotic, maybe? - post.
I'm not there. But I am trying. I am fighting to take power back that I unknowingly have given away.
I'm not here to tell you how to do things, I think we all do things our way. But I believe in the power of inspiration more than anything.
And if sharing my life and my inspiration can help others the way other body activists help me - then it's worth it!
After all, we are all unique. We all have a perspective to share. We all have inspiration to give.
Much love, Christina <3
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