Dealing with objectification - "Have you seen your thighs"?
My biggest problem has been self-objectification - not objectification, at least when my body is concerned.
One of the most surprising things I noticed when I started being more aware of what is going on in my head around my negative thoughts about my body and my looks was that, despite what I really thought, I had NOT been body-shamed very much. At least not directly.
I look at my fat fellow body activists, like the fantastic Victoria Welsby (have you seen her TED talk? It's called "I am fat" and it is AMAZING - here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_Ml3yr32bU) with sheer awe at how they are dealing with OTHER people objectifying and body-shaming them. You GO girls! That is power!
Either way, when I looked at my life, I haven't been body-shamed much. 94 percent of all girls have been fat -or body-shamed, so my case isn't unique.
I always thought I had been really put down, but then I realized that my own worst enemy was MYSELF: Yes, sure, the occasional negative comment here and there has happened, but I bet if I remembered everything NICE people had said to me, that glass would be filled or overflowing whereas my body-shame glass would only have a little sip.
This means that most of us are the our own bullies, maybe fuelled by what someone has once said, something that we keep repeating to ourselves.
When I decided to become a body activist, I was a little worried about whether my new found (but fragile!) sense of being okay with my body would crash with mean comments. I closed my eyes, took the step and what happened? Nothing. Not ONE bad comment.
No one was being anything but nice about the whole project - at least not what has come to my attention.
Until two days ago when I was severely body-shamed. (I say "severe" relative to myself and past body-shaming I have experienced, only).
Severe because the area targeted in the comment was the one area I was most insecure about. Severe because it didn't come from a random troll, but one of the people I love the most in this world.
I bought a bathing suit three years ago, but hadn't dared to wear it. I was self-aware that my thighs were not perfect and should be hidden. Hell, I even took a photo of me in it wearing pantyhose so they would be firmed up (because that is what we want, firm thighs, right?
Until two days ago when I was going to the beach (again) and decided that I looked just fine the way I was and brought the expensive and never used bathing suit to the beach. It was a sunny and beautiful day and I was looking forward to the trip and feeling good.
I was in good company and I felt fine about myself and my body.
Later, we were waiting for the ferry when suddenly my loved one looks at me and says: "It won't be long before you have to do something about those thighs".
Now, I have been my own worst critic, but the fear of judgement has been so real that I have had plenty of time to think of what to say if people say something - anything - about my weight.
So I was shocked, but I had my planned comeback ready: A simple, but (I thought) effective:
"Why?"
The answer? "Well, have you SEEN your thighs?"
When I have imagined this moment, I had never ever imagined it could be what it was. I had thought everything inside me might crumble down and .. well, I am not sure. Just that the eating disorders and problems and everything I had been working my way out of would come bouncing back faster than the words were even spoken.
You know what? They didn't. Not even close.
Had I seen my thighs? What a question. Had I been feeling like I wasn't good enough since I was 12? Had I been hiding my body since I was 12? Had I done every possible thing I could think of to make myself smaller since I was 12? Had I spent time after time on my knees puking after eating? Had I starved myself for years? Had I seen .. had I seen my thighs?
I was aware of the surprise when I didn't feel sadness as the conversation continued:
"There are things you can do, you know".
Oh, there are? I didn't say this but I quickly thought it to myself. And again, I said: "Why would I want to do anything?"
My thighs have cellulite. They have since I was 15. My thighs have fat on them. They are not "fat" which is just a neutral word, remember. They are normal, slim thighs - and more importantly: They are MY fucking THIGHS! They are not an ornament for other people's viewing pleasure.
To my surprise, instead of falling to pieces, I came to their rescue:
"I don't want to DO anything about them. Growing older is perfectly normal, and when we do, our bodies change. That doesn't make us any less valuable".
I was alone with this point of view, I realized, and the person went on to commenting negatively on everyone else on the beach: they were fat, they were old. Like my thighs, they were not "aesthetically pleasing".
I felt things. I did. But not the things I thought I would in this situation. I felt disappointed in the person. But not entirely surprised. After all, this person has been commenting on my appearance all my life, and it has never been positive. Always too this or too that.
All the while promoting himself as a person who doesn't care about looks. Turned out this was a big, fat lie, and I hadn't caught on to it. Imprinting is the most difficult thing to see clearly through.
But now, I saw clearly. I saw a person who was very insecure and had projected emotions onto me for YEARS. Making me feel like looks mattered, and like mine were not good enough.
I realized this was the time. The time to take power back, be on the side of my thighs and my cellulite and simply declare that I beg to differ.
That I think I am just fine.
That I think everyone is just fine, the way they are.
Instead of the dread I thought it would be ( I have been trying to cover myself and avoid this for more than 15 years!) it was a situation in which I could empower myself. It was a Good Experience, because I was able to use it as an opportunity to stand up for myself and be my own best friend.
Yesterday, my body was commented on - again.
I was out walking my dog, when I met two girls, who asked if I was a model. "You have the body and the look", they said.
This obviously was very different from the first comment, and my emotions were of surprise. I still managed to think about my response and instead of saying "thank you", I said "That is very sweet of you to say".
I need to think more about my response to this kind of thing, because even though people mean well, this is STILL an objectification and a worshipping of appearance, and I want to get as far away from that as possible. Still, I know people mean well - and of course, I feel .. not happy, but appreciated, same as everyone else. But I want to work myself away from that.
I want to force myself to NOT value myself because of my appearance at all. I'm not there. But I keep finding new ways to work to get there.
But as long as you objectify yourself or let others objectify you, other people will be responsible for whether you feel good or bad about yourself. That is not a good idea.
These two examples also testify that the same body can be viewed very differently by different people. That isn't really a surprise. But it shows that just one person's opinion matters, and that is YOUR OPINION.
If someone attacks you emotionally - fight back. I don't care how, but fight back. Don't stand down and don't take their abuse.
I find it very effective to keep asking the Golden Question:
"WHY?"
This works in many different situations. I have used it whenever I am about to do something about my appearance that changes it or hides something. I invite you to try the same.
Just ask yourself: What am I doing and why am I doing it?
Am I covering something up because I want to play with and have fun with my appearance, then fine. That is the reason. But too often the reason is more grave.
"I hate my thighs", "my ass is too big", "I look better with makeup on".
All good examples of situations in which we need to ask ourselves WHY we think what we think.
"They are too big", "it is ugly", "Because I just do" might be three possible answers.
This is self-objectification and it is hurting you. You need to keep asking why until you reach a point where you can ask "WHO thinks this?"
If you do this, you bring awareness. From there, work towards being kind to yourself.
The WHY exercise is also useful with other people, I just realized. When I asked WHY my thighs were not good enough, the other person quickly started sounding totally unreasonable and I was able to see that the problem was not my thighs - it was this person's tendency to objectify bodies.
If we are lucky, the "WHY"? will even give food to thought for our bullies, as well.
All my love to you, my readers! Share or comment if you have requests for future blogs!
Christina
One of the most surprising things I noticed when I started being more aware of what is going on in my head around my negative thoughts about my body and my looks was that, despite what I really thought, I had NOT been body-shamed very much. At least not directly.
I look at my fat fellow body activists, like the fantastic Victoria Welsby (have you seen her TED talk? It's called "I am fat" and it is AMAZING - here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_Ml3yr32bU) with sheer awe at how they are dealing with OTHER people objectifying and body-shaming them. You GO girls! That is power!
Either way, when I looked at my life, I haven't been body-shamed much. 94 percent of all girls have been fat -or body-shamed, so my case isn't unique.
I always thought I had been really put down, but then I realized that my own worst enemy was MYSELF: Yes, sure, the occasional negative comment here and there has happened, but I bet if I remembered everything NICE people had said to me, that glass would be filled or overflowing whereas my body-shame glass would only have a little sip.
This means that most of us are the our own bullies, maybe fuelled by what someone has once said, something that we keep repeating to ourselves.
When I decided to become a body activist, I was a little worried about whether my new found (but fragile!) sense of being okay with my body would crash with mean comments. I closed my eyes, took the step and what happened? Nothing. Not ONE bad comment.
No one was being anything but nice about the whole project - at least not what has come to my attention.
Until two days ago when I was severely body-shamed. (I say "severe" relative to myself and past body-shaming I have experienced, only).
Severe because the area targeted in the comment was the one area I was most insecure about. Severe because it didn't come from a random troll, but one of the people I love the most in this world.
I bought a bathing suit three years ago, but hadn't dared to wear it. I was self-aware that my thighs were not perfect and should be hidden. Hell, I even took a photo of me in it wearing pantyhose so they would be firmed up (because that is what we want, firm thighs, right?
Until two days ago when I was going to the beach (again) and decided that I looked just fine the way I was and brought the expensive and never used bathing suit to the beach. It was a sunny and beautiful day and I was looking forward to the trip and feeling good.
I was in good company and I felt fine about myself and my body.
Later, we were waiting for the ferry when suddenly my loved one looks at me and says: "It won't be long before you have to do something about those thighs".
Now, I have been my own worst critic, but the fear of judgement has been so real that I have had plenty of time to think of what to say if people say something - anything - about my weight.
So I was shocked, but I had my planned comeback ready: A simple, but (I thought) effective:
"Why?"
The answer? "Well, have you SEEN your thighs?"
When I have imagined this moment, I had never ever imagined it could be what it was. I had thought everything inside me might crumble down and .. well, I am not sure. Just that the eating disorders and problems and everything I had been working my way out of would come bouncing back faster than the words were even spoken.
You know what? They didn't. Not even close.
Had I seen my thighs? What a question. Had I been feeling like I wasn't good enough since I was 12? Had I been hiding my body since I was 12? Had I done every possible thing I could think of to make myself smaller since I was 12? Had I spent time after time on my knees puking after eating? Had I starved myself for years? Had I seen .. had I seen my thighs?
I was aware of the surprise when I didn't feel sadness as the conversation continued:
"There are things you can do, you know".
Oh, there are? I didn't say this but I quickly thought it to myself. And again, I said: "Why would I want to do anything?"
My thighs have cellulite. They have since I was 15. My thighs have fat on them. They are not "fat" which is just a neutral word, remember. They are normal, slim thighs - and more importantly: They are MY fucking THIGHS! They are not an ornament for other people's viewing pleasure.
To my surprise, instead of falling to pieces, I came to their rescue:
"I don't want to DO anything about them. Growing older is perfectly normal, and when we do, our bodies change. That doesn't make us any less valuable".
I was alone with this point of view, I realized, and the person went on to commenting negatively on everyone else on the beach: they were fat, they were old. Like my thighs, they were not "aesthetically pleasing".
I felt things. I did. But not the things I thought I would in this situation. I felt disappointed in the person. But not entirely surprised. After all, this person has been commenting on my appearance all my life, and it has never been positive. Always too this or too that.
All the while promoting himself as a person who doesn't care about looks. Turned out this was a big, fat lie, and I hadn't caught on to it. Imprinting is the most difficult thing to see clearly through.
But now, I saw clearly. I saw a person who was very insecure and had projected emotions onto me for YEARS. Making me feel like looks mattered, and like mine were not good enough.
I realized this was the time. The time to take power back, be on the side of my thighs and my cellulite and simply declare that I beg to differ.
That I think I am just fine.
That I think everyone is just fine, the way they are.
Instead of the dread I thought it would be ( I have been trying to cover myself and avoid this for more than 15 years!) it was a situation in which I could empower myself. It was a Good Experience, because I was able to use it as an opportunity to stand up for myself and be my own best friend.
Yesterday, my body was commented on - again.
I was out walking my dog, when I met two girls, who asked if I was a model. "You have the body and the look", they said.
This obviously was very different from the first comment, and my emotions were of surprise. I still managed to think about my response and instead of saying "thank you", I said "That is very sweet of you to say".
I need to think more about my response to this kind of thing, because even though people mean well, this is STILL an objectification and a worshipping of appearance, and I want to get as far away from that as possible. Still, I know people mean well - and of course, I feel .. not happy, but appreciated, same as everyone else. But I want to work myself away from that.
I want to force myself to NOT value myself because of my appearance at all. I'm not there. But I keep finding new ways to work to get there.
But as long as you objectify yourself or let others objectify you, other people will be responsible for whether you feel good or bad about yourself. That is not a good idea.
These two examples also testify that the same body can be viewed very differently by different people. That isn't really a surprise. But it shows that just one person's opinion matters, and that is YOUR OPINION.
If someone attacks you emotionally - fight back. I don't care how, but fight back. Don't stand down and don't take their abuse.
I find it very effective to keep asking the Golden Question:
"WHY?"
This works in many different situations. I have used it whenever I am about to do something about my appearance that changes it or hides something. I invite you to try the same.
Just ask yourself: What am I doing and why am I doing it?
Am I covering something up because I want to play with and have fun with my appearance, then fine. That is the reason. But too often the reason is more grave.
"I hate my thighs", "my ass is too big", "I look better with makeup on".
All good examples of situations in which we need to ask ourselves WHY we think what we think.
"They are too big", "it is ugly", "Because I just do" might be three possible answers.
This is self-objectification and it is hurting you. You need to keep asking why until you reach a point where you can ask "WHO thinks this?"
If you do this, you bring awareness. From there, work towards being kind to yourself.
The WHY exercise is also useful with other people, I just realized. When I asked WHY my thighs were not good enough, the other person quickly started sounding totally unreasonable and I was able to see that the problem was not my thighs - it was this person's tendency to objectify bodies.
If we are lucky, the "WHY"? will even give food to thought for our bullies, as well.
All my love to you, my readers! Share or comment if you have requests for future blogs!
Christina
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