UNSEEN - a glimpse into my erotic sketchbook
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| Instagram Live |
This September, I was lucky enough to do two Instagram Live Session with the always amazing Ro Aliaga, (@loveandsoul). YAY!!!
Afterwards, I felt so inspired by the questions we received from our listeners that I decided to write this blog post.
So - a big thanks to everyone who sent us questions!! <3
Even though it's hard to admit - that was a first!!
Subconsciously, I have always in some way been aiming to impress rather than express.
I have previously worked to fight the perfectionism that I recognized in myself (and which fucks up creative expression more effectively than anything else).
I don’t know how other artists work, but for me, I think an accurate description of my entire artistic journey is that it’s been about finding my authentic expression, then realizing I changed and lost it again, and starting over to look for it all over again. 😝
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| Crucify |
SEXUALITY AND HEALING:
Pt. 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzpMUC4Bs4E.
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| "Neko", my Japanese alias. |
Yeah!
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| Little Moon (digital art) |
I started taking creative courses at Domestika.org, and learned new, expressive water color techniques, pastel chalk techniques, how to use Procreate (a digital art program like photoshop) - and finally got to a series of brilliant courses about how to create an artist's sketchbook, which was the best experience out of the bunch.
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| My Homo Erotica sketchbook |
All these expectations were really just restrictions I had put on myself. I examined them, and it became very clear to me, that I had been really held back by the idea that I had to paint everything myself, with traditional media, from the ground up, or it would be "cheating".
I understand the question, because I felt that way, too.
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| First digital artwork |
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| Don't be surprised ... |
And I felt free. I was now able to create multiple versions of my artworks, one of the best artistic experiences I ever had.
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| Swan Pond (collage) |
ANSWER:
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| "Mermans" |
I particularly remember a painting titled "Raining Blood", (the titles of everything I made at the time and my inspiration in general came from Tori Amos) where two of my male friends were kissing each other with blood running from their mouths.
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| "Raining Blood" |
After that, I painted "Purple People" which saw one of the boys with his heart dug out, physically, and their arms covered in sequins and glitter.
Still, sexuality was a surprising theme to re-surface for me; I didn't expect it at all. I thought I would be going deep into some dark themes after 2020, but ... that's not how it went. There was nothing conscious in my choice to focus on sexuality, and I didn't have the energy to think about the why at the time.
I supposed that I simply didn't want to surround myself with even more darkness when it was already consuming me; a common coping strategy I learned from other times, when I had let myself go full "dark", sinking deeper and deeper into my pain as a result. I've learned that no matter what your experiences are, it's what you feel about your experiences that determines your level of happiness, and that it's perfectly possible to be happy while suffering.
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| "Purple People" |
It took a while to find the balance this year, though, if I even found it at all. But I tried! I started listening obsessively to happy or uplifting music, mostly John Denver, who became my muse for the first part of the year. If I had a penny for every time I listened to "How can I leave you again?" I would be a millionaire XD
I also dug back into my favorite TV series of all time, the ground-breaking "Queer as Folk (US)", a hauntingly beautiful exploration into gay life. The series follows four friends in Pittsburgh, and goes against the way gay people were presented in the media at the time; as sexless clowns and sidekicks.
I think it must have been the 7th time I watched the five season show, which is infamous for it's explicit sexual content, especially for it's time (It was aired 2000-2005).
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| Hal Sparks and Gale Harold as Mike Novotny and Brian Kinney |
That book changed my life! Where Queer as Folk made me ponder just why sexuality is censored the way it is in our society, Barbara really changed the way I previously viewed sexuality.
She not only teaches that sexuality is nothing dirty, but she also allows room for everyone to have their own sexuality in her book.
Transgender sexuality, asexuality and the practice of BDSM is seen through a more spiritual lense, which I found really interesting.
I learned how to have an energy orgasm, how to use my sexual energy to heal myself and reinforce whatever visions I might have for myself.
Sexual energy is the same as creative energy - and all this time, I had been rejecting it completely as an extension of my body, which I spent years hating; a victim of my negative thoughts around sex being gross, dirty and shameful. The way up from there was surprisingly short when reading Urban Tantra, and I went from asexual to a self-pleasure practice fairly easily, especially considering the fact that I haven't had a conscious sexuality or a masturbation practice in my life. I first masurbated and had an orgasm at age 27, and it never really stuck with me that this was a way to honor and love myself that was so, so important.
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| Kiss The Bear, collages & traditional art |
But of course, these eye opening experiences aren't magical wands that I could just wave and then all my sexual trauma was magically disappearing. It's been hard work, and it still is. Sexuality can be a fairly dark subject for me, after years of shame and repression. It was an intensely liberating feeling to be free to artistically express whatever I wanted to.
From this new stance, I saw how unnatural sex has become in our culture. How shameful it is. How hidden it is. How dirty it is presented as being.
And that’s really shocking - and interesting. I mean - how did something so natural become ... this???? :o Because we let it, I guess.
I decided that I would no longer just accept how sexuality has been presented to me. I wanted to find my own way instead. Sexuality is something personal, so we need to define it on our own and not just take it in from outer sources.
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| Experimenting with pastel. |
I had let other people push their view on sexuality on me, and in order to move on as an artist, I needed to explore my body, my mind, my fantasies, my emotions. I did that by watching and reading a lot about sex and observing my reactions, both physically and mentally.
Then, I worked with new, rougher and more expressive methods to process my emotions into visual art.
My first artwork had many names, and I made an effort to find as many different expressions in it as I possibly could. With one of my dearest friends (he contributed so much to this project, in the form of erotic photographs and poems, I couldn't have done it without him! Thank you) as a model, I was able to get the exact expression that I wanted. Once I had that, the ideas came at me like I had opened a box containing a storm of images!
Originally "just" an erotic portrait, I used digital art and collage to change it endless number of times, and ultimately named it "Sweet Dream".
I watched it grow from there. This is the first "big" project I did, and it expanded way beyond what I could have ever imagined.
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| Sweet dreams ... |
The idea for "Sweet Dream" came to me on the very day that I, finally, got out of my apartment and walked to the graveyard in Summer.
COVID-19 had drastically reduced the amount of times I got out to go for a walk, but even during the lockdowns, I still went to the graveyard. I remember walking past people wearing their scarves as masks and walking as far away from me on the street as they possibly could during the first lockdown, when people still didn't know how serious the virus was. I remember the fear in their eyes.
During the second lockdown, people used the graveyard as a place to meet others outside, reducing the risk of COVID-19 infection.
After losing my best friend, my dog, Beckham, whomI used to walk many times every day, I stopped walking. Or rather, at first I walked and walked, restlessly. And then one day, I realized I had stopped moving. That's what it feels like.
I often thought of the graveyard and wanted to go there. But it just wasn't happening...
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| Me at my koi pond (photo: Astrid Ubaghs) |
When I got there one day, as I walked around, I found inspiration everywhere.
I sat by "my" pond, watched the koi fish, took some photos of water lillies (that I would use in the collage), and I imagined something like the first version, in which a boy is lying in a koi pond.
Then came a black and white version where a swan was looking at the boy, and I inserted a castle in the background.
I also explored Procreate, and made several versions of the original painting, using filters and whatnot. I couldn't stop once I started, I liked all the versions I made, and I guess that kind of brought to mind the very important question:
What do I like THE MOST?!
Being able to make so many different expressions is a blessing that I have been waiting for - but it definitely also challenges me a lot, because I see options and beauty everywhere!
So I really had to go inward and ask myself: Okay, out of these ... which is YOUR expression?
I don't think there is any simple answer to the question, but seeing your work in many different versions definitely help you find yourself, even though it might not be an easy quest.
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| More, fuller versions of Sweet Dream |
Q: CAN THE
EXPRESSION OF ART BE GENDER FLUID OR NEUTRAL?
ANSWER:
Art - or the artist?
Since I needed a fresh start, personally and artistically, I didn't use my real name when I started posting on Twitter, and I made really sure to keep my alias gender neutral and fluid.
Why?
Well, I always felt like I was neither male or female, and it has been really interesting to work more as yourself (or, as more of my selves, which I believe to be the case) when you are not "yourself" in the form that you are used to.
It's pretty ironic, but it also makes a lot of sense.
I actually put a lot of thought into who I wanted to be if not myself, but in the end, it all came back to wanting to break free from what was expected from me.
I wondered whether people would be able to guess my gender based on my art, and I hoped they would not. I even gave my closest friends the opportunity to contribute to the project in any way they saw fit and recieved a lot of inspiration this way.
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| "Ballet Boy" |
I also became interested in male and female expression, in gender roles and how we work as artists. I did find many of the clichés to be true in the homo erotic art realm; females create artworks that display emotions (such as kissing), while men tend to go for very direct expression, like huge dicks in action and as the main focus of their artwork.
However, I was happy to see that no one thought I was female under my new alias; that was also kind of freeing in many ways. Maybe there is also a part of me that wishes he was a man. I think so.
Q: DOES ART DEPICT TRUE EMOTION?
ANSWER: It can depict anything. That's what makes it so interesting!
I don't even know what art is, and does anyone? But despite this obvious and probably never-ending discussion, I do think that personal expressions of art can depict anything; they can be a replica of something we have seen and just copied, depicting absolutely nothing (but of course a brilliant way to pratice technique), and they can on the other end also show everything we truly feel in a given moment.
The choice is ours; at least once we figure out how to get there. How to express what we truly feel. And when we know if we really want to?
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| "Moon" |
I personally always wanted to make art that was deep and reflective. I was probably even way too focused on it.
I am a fan of Tori Amos, the very honest singer/songwriter, and I loved her expression so much it tripped me up when I was trying to find my own.
In an attempt to be as "deep" as possible, I tried to dive into my darkest emotions and experiences and express those. Nothing wrong with that, but for years and years, I was artistically dealing with past emotions and experiences that I didn’t have NOW, wanting to be impressive (look how talented and honest I am!) rather than expressive (this is what I feel, in visual form, right now).
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| "Love forever" |
I have sensitive people around me, so it has been a challenge to be allowed to express myself without hurting others. But expressing myself in real time has really pushed me forward as an artist.
The feeling of authenticity is more present while dealing with current wounds and sorrows, still fresh and bleeding, instead of ripping open again and again old scars that were healing nicely just for the sake of being perceived as honest.
I decided to leave my scars to heal; I had fully processed my childhood and my youth through art over the past years. I had said what I wanted to say.
I don’t think so.
But I used to think so.
I used to think of an artist the way that the world stereotypically presents them to us: as suffering creatures, with self-destructive tendencies and problems with drugs or alcohol.
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| "Self-love is a crime!" |
If you buy into that idea, then it will make sense that more reflective art follows a hard time. But it's really not true...
Our best work comes when we are really present with what is, and we are able to let go of perfectionism and expectations from ourselves or others. Not after hard times.
Looking back, I have been too interested in creating something “deep” and “meaningful”, and dismissing things that weren’t “serious” enough. Instead, I would rather bleed onto the canvas or paint with my tears (yes, I literally did that!) than do something that wasn't deep.
I'd grown up with parents who emphasized the ability to be able to deep talk, as we called it. It's a great gift, but it's also complicated things along the line for me.
Expressing dark emotions through art isn’t necessary even though your life might have been really hard.
I have learned that EVERYONE struggles in life, a valuable lesson, which for some time tilted to the other end of the spectrum: "I don't have the right to complain when other people suffer", then finally came to the balancing point of being allowed to suffer, while maintaining a state of happiness.
But for years, the role of the victim was mine, all the time; it was my identity.
I knew I had suffered, and that I was mentally unwell. Other people knew it too, and other people also knew - and told me - that I was fragile. Crazy. Not like other people.
I took it in, not because it's easy or for any conscious reason that I know of. Simply because it was offered to me as an identity, I guess.
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| Self-love Crime Scene ... |
As I slowly healed old wounds over the years, I was able to see through the illusion that things had to be this way. I realized that I might be "special", but there was no reason why I couldn't deal with a full spectrum of emotions.
There was no reason why I couldn't heal and be happy, no reason I couldn't be inspirational to other people instead of turning everything inward to look still deeper into things I didn't need to understand any further.
I think it's so important to realize that from a place of happiness, an inner stability that comes from how we feel about our experiences, we can create everything we could possibly want.
It's a matter of self-love, of caring enough about ourselves to sustain an environment in which we can thrive and feel our own love - and create.
Full circle back to sexuality and masturbation, particularly.
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| Me in 2020, photo by Astrid Ubaghs |
I think it's so important to really take care of ourselves, and feel that we are worthy and deserving of sexual pleasure. Because we are.
My favorite artwork that I have created so far might be "Self-Love is a Crime", a digital piece of a boy masturbating with a banana; this is my take on how the world is criminalizing our bodies and our self-pleasure, instead of encouraging us to be natural about it.
It started off as something entirely different and, in hindsight, not very interesting at all, but then it took on a life of its own, really, and that's how the best artworks are created.
I have now shown you how I have used my sketchbook to display ideas, whether they be traditional, digital or photography - or a mix of all three.
The last component that I have been able to add to my art are my poems and short stories, and as the outro for this blog, I would like to share with you my poem "A Story of Big Birds", which was a finalist for the Raleigh Review's Geri Gigiorno Prize 2020.
While I haven't yet won a prize for my poetry, I have received encouragment from Frontier Poetry, who labelled my poetry as "some that stood out" and "especially interesting".
A story of big Birds
There is a terrible story, told in the dark to children in cages
by birds that are
bigger than houses.
There is a terrible heart inside each of us,
we start rubbing
ourselves to survive, and the birds outside
they speak in a language
we can only see.
You need eyes
filled with ears,
because they speak
in a language that can only be seen.
There’s a terrible story, told in the dark to naked men in love,
by snakes that are
longer than lives.
There is a
terrible voice inside each of us,
we start choking ourselves to survive, and the snakes beside us
they writhe as
they speak of blood.
You need breath in
your heart,
because they speak
through your teeth and only of blood.
There is a lovely story, told in the light to dismembered bodies,
by ourselves as we
stand falling.
There is a
terrible hope in our trembling hands,
we start soothing ourselves to survive, and the cars inside us
crash in slow
motion at the traffic light.
You need those big
birds and snakes,
because our cars
are all crashing in slow motion at the traffic light.
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