Nude on the beach
Hello everyone out there!
I wrote about how I have missed being able to go to the beach because of a crippling fear of being seen (all the imperfections out in the open, no thanks!) in my blog about my first time as a croquix-model here: https://christinabrockmand.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-little-croquis-mermaid.html
Fear of judgement has held me back from doing the thing I used to love/do most as a child - even more so than drawing! I realize now that I haven't yet made a post about my art, but until I do, you can find me on Instagram as happychristinah or visit my beautiful portfolio: christinabrockmand.myportfolio,com.
Back to the subject ...
Last Sunday, this mermaid finally got her legs! And even though it was a rather different experience than expected, it was truly healing - in an unexpected way!
I didn't set out this time to do anything to write a blog about - I didn't even know I was going to the beach. Just in case, though, I had packed my sports bra and some shorts before venturing out into the world. I was going to visit my dad, always a new experience. My dad isn't the kind of person who makes plans. He is just too moody.
We went to Omø, beautiful island (sorta) near my hometown when I was a kid, and so it has that nostalgic quality about it for me. My dad had rented a small cabin by the beach and we stayed one night only. The impression lasted forever.
We have been there, I think, two times since then, most recently last summer, when I enjoyed a walk on the beach, looking at the blue sky and all the sights I had seen as a child.
I took a lot of pictures and we had a great trip. It was ruined by one thing, though: my constant thinking about my weight and appearance. And, mind you, last year these were not half as strong as they have been - but they were there.
Do you know the feeling? You're where you want to be, you're happy, you're enjoying yourself, but then .. you remember how you look! Oh, no. How bad is it? Where is a mirror? I better take a selfie. Maybe I don't look so bad after all!
The destruction of joy has begun. And without it even being a situation in which food is involved.
Last year on the ferry to Omø, I wanted to take a selfie with my dad and me standing on the ferry. And when I saw the pictures, I broke internally. So much fat! I didn't know I was THIS fat! Ugh, disgusting!
And so forth. And though I tried to focus and enjoy, well it isn't a surprise that it is difficult.
This was a mild version of what my life has been like for years.
Self-destructive thinking, a complete and utter disability to see myself or my body as they are and a gut-wrenching fear of gaining weight.
Looking back, I have lost a lot of time living this way. And even though I thought the most important thing was to be slim, I could feel myself getting worse by the day.
And who can really act surprised?
I always like the idea of saying the things you are saying to yourself to someone else - anyone else. You never would!
So why on Earth are we allowing this to keep happening? Well, I for one know all too well how difficult it is to shut the voices up. But I am convinced, and have been for years, that they are not our own. They don't tell us the truth. I think it is probably pretty basic neuro-science stuff, if we practice these thought-patterns, they stick. I think that is pretty much it. And I have felt how I can take power from them by controlling what I am thinking - and, more importantly NOT thinking.
I would love to hear your experiences with this - I know that I am not alone. 97 percent of women hate themselves and speak abuse to themselves at least once daily, and we spent 3 hours (YES!!) a day thinking about something we dislike about our bodies! I mean - what the hell, this problem is a massive joy-stealer!
I think for me personally it has helped to avoid negative self-talk - by simply saying stop. It is a huge misconception that we don't control our thoughts - it takes practice, but we CAN do it.
Either way - that was our trip last year.
This year was so different, I am happy to say.
Now, I had brought some clothes for swimming and as it turns out, my dad had planned that we would go to Omø (I always beg him to go there, but he usually says NO! and he is stubborn AF) So I knew that this was my chance of keeping my promise to myself that this mermaid here WAS going to hit the water this year.
Yes, I haven't done so for .. 10 years? I don't know. Except once with my dad as well, that I barely remember. It was two years ago and I panicked in the water because my grey hair was turning green and hurried up. I am not counting this experience XD
My dad has always been quite critical of me.
And he sees every little flaw. This is the same man who taught me for years that looks don't matter and practices this himself. I don't know why it has become this way, but I used to just take his abuse in (note: I love my dad, he isn't perfect, but he is a wonderful man) - lately, I have been starting to talk back to him, though. Standing up for myself. So when he comments on my looks, for example "You are too skinny" or "you have zits all over your face" or "well, you're not very pretty", I answer him back.
So we went to Omø, me and this creature I call dad. And we headed for the beach. My dad didn't want to swim, so I got my swimwear on, noticing how I wasn't very scared of anyone seeing my body - and feeling like I made it quite far.
I got my dad to take pictures of me as I ventured out into the water, but oh my God! So cold! I swam around for a while, then it got to be too damn cold and I hurried back up.
I sat and dried, and enjoyed not having any negative voices in my head this year. Then suddenly it hit me: I had to be nude on the beach! What if this was the only chance I got? I live in Denmark, the weather isn't very reliable, and also my summer has a lot of plans already. So as my dad looked away, I stripped down to nothing, and put my phone up to take a photo or two.
and guess what? No self-hate. I saw myself, yes. But no hate. Not one bit.
And my dad even had to bite the dust - it was pretty funny when he realized I was nude, btw, he was completely shocked - "I thought you were a prude!" he shouted.
Then, he admitted that I look "very nice" as he put it.
Quite weird, but also quite nice to hear? Yes, it was.
After a few hours, we had to catch the ferry back to the mainland. I wish we could have stayed in one of the wonderful cabins - but that will have to be a thing to do later this summer if possible.
I was only naked for five minutes (I don't know if it was legal to be nude there .. I really must look up these rules ...), but I got that feeling that I have gotten to know this year - that freeing feeling of just being.
To me, being naked doesn't have anything to do with being sexual at all.
I feel like I - and others - have been taught that nudity is something sexual, and thus, something to be ashamed of.
Now, I don't think we should be ashamed of our sexuality, either, but to me, sexuality has to do with actions .. not with simply being the way you are.
If others find your body to be sexual, well, that isn't so odd, but let's remember that this is their response and their emotions.
I don't think there is anything strange about being nude at all.
Maybe I should have been born in the 70's XD
But it is a feeling I can barely describe to be free of everything we put on ourselves. No tight bra, no restricting of anything. Just all of you, out there in the world, as you were born.
Really feeling the world - the sand, the water, the sun, the wind .. all these things that I have lived without ... for so many years I haven't felt life at all.
I was at my most extreme in around 2010, I think, when I was unable to sleep - even during summer - without all of my clothes on - that, at the time, included a big scarf! I also wore it outside, all summer. Only on the warmest of days (and those were so few) would I perhaps dare a t-shirt and to go out for short periods of time like that, with no scarf.
I very much hope that I will be able to go to the beach again this year - if life allows, that would be a wonderful thing! I would then want to bring my diving mask, because that is the only way to go for me (but I hadn't brought it this time, sadly .. I didn't really believe we were going - my dad hates swimming XD).
I love being "under water"; looking at the fish and the beautiful underwater-scapes .. it's my favorite part. I never swam for the sake of it, and honestly I wasn't very graceful in the water at all .. I never was able to keep my head above water XD
Under water, though, I am going to swim like a fish! And I can hardly wait. I guess I will start just bringing the mask every time I visit my dad - just in case life happens!
I wish you a wonderful summer - and don't forget to share this blog <3
Much love, Christina
I wrote about how I have missed being able to go to the beach because of a crippling fear of being seen (all the imperfections out in the open, no thanks!) in my blog about my first time as a croquix-model here: https://christinabrockmand.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-little-croquis-mermaid.html
 |
| Me on Omø in 1994 |
Fear of judgement has held me back from doing the thing I used to love/do most as a child - even more so than drawing! I realize now that I haven't yet made a post about my art, but until I do, you can find me on Instagram as happychristinah or visit my beautiful portfolio: christinabrockmand.myportfolio,com.
Back to the subject ...
Last Sunday, this mermaid finally got her legs! And even though it was a rather different experience than expected, it was truly healing - in an unexpected way!
I didn't set out this time to do anything to write a blog about - I didn't even know I was going to the beach. Just in case, though, I had packed my sports bra and some shorts before venturing out into the world. I was going to visit my dad, always a new experience. My dad isn't the kind of person who makes plans. He is just too moody.
 |
| The picture that ruined my trip last year, 2017 |
We have been there, I think, two times since then, most recently last summer, when I enjoyed a walk on the beach, looking at the blue sky and all the sights I had seen as a child.
I took a lot of pictures and we had a great trip. It was ruined by one thing, though: my constant thinking about my weight and appearance. And, mind you, last year these were not half as strong as they have been - but they were there.
Do you know the feeling? You're where you want to be, you're happy, you're enjoying yourself, but then .. you remember how you look! Oh, no. How bad is it? Where is a mirror? I better take a selfie. Maybe I don't look so bad after all!
The destruction of joy has begun. And without it even being a situation in which food is involved.
Last year on the ferry to Omø, I wanted to take a selfie with my dad and me standing on the ferry. And when I saw the pictures, I broke internally. So much fat! I didn't know I was THIS fat! Ugh, disgusting!
And so forth. And though I tried to focus and enjoy, well it isn't a surprise that it is difficult.
This was a mild version of what my life has been like for years.
 |
| Me and my dad, 2018 |
Looking back, I have lost a lot of time living this way. And even though I thought the most important thing was to be slim, I could feel myself getting worse by the day.
And who can really act surprised?
I always like the idea of saying the things you are saying to yourself to someone else - anyone else. You never would!
So why on Earth are we allowing this to keep happening? Well, I for one know all too well how difficult it is to shut the voices up. But I am convinced, and have been for years, that they are not our own. They don't tell us the truth. I think it is probably pretty basic neuro-science stuff, if we practice these thought-patterns, they stick. I think that is pretty much it. And I have felt how I can take power from them by controlling what I am thinking - and, more importantly NOT thinking.
I would love to hear your experiences with this - I know that I am not alone. 97 percent of women hate themselves and speak abuse to themselves at least once daily, and we spent 3 hours (YES!!) a day thinking about something we dislike about our bodies! I mean - what the hell, this problem is a massive joy-stealer!
I think for me personally it has helped to avoid negative self-talk - by simply saying stop. It is a huge misconception that we don't control our thoughts - it takes practice, but we CAN do it.
Either way - that was our trip last year.
This year was so different, I am happy to say.
 |
| Mermaid on the beach 2018 |
Now, I had brought some clothes for swimming and as it turns out, my dad had planned that we would go to Omø (I always beg him to go there, but he usually says NO! and he is stubborn AF) So I knew that this was my chance of keeping my promise to myself that this mermaid here WAS going to hit the water this year.
Yes, I haven't done so for .. 10 years? I don't know. Except once with my dad as well, that I barely remember. It was two years ago and I panicked in the water because my grey hair was turning green and hurried up. I am not counting this experience XD
My dad has always been quite critical of me.
And he sees every little flaw. This is the same man who taught me for years that looks don't matter and practices this himself. I don't know why it has become this way, but I used to just take his abuse in (note: I love my dad, he isn't perfect, but he is a wonderful man) - lately, I have been starting to talk back to him, though. Standing up for myself. So when he comments on my looks, for example "You are too skinny" or "you have zits all over your face" or "well, you're not very pretty", I answer him back.
So we went to Omø, me and this creature I call dad. And we headed for the beach. My dad didn't want to swim, so I got my swimwear on, noticing how I wasn't very scared of anyone seeing my body - and feeling like I made it quite far.
I got my dad to take pictures of me as I ventured out into the water, but oh my God! So cold! I swam around for a while, then it got to be too damn cold and I hurried back up.
 |
| Ugh, it was cold! |
and guess what? No self-hate. I saw myself, yes. But no hate. Not one bit.
And my dad even had to bite the dust - it was pretty funny when he realized I was nude, btw, he was completely shocked - "I thought you were a prude!" he shouted.
Then, he admitted that I look "very nice" as he put it.
Quite weird, but also quite nice to hear? Yes, it was.
 |
| Mermaid |
I was only naked for five minutes (I don't know if it was legal to be nude there .. I really must look up these rules ...), but I got that feeling that I have gotten to know this year - that freeing feeling of just being.
To me, being naked doesn't have anything to do with being sexual at all.
I feel like I - and others - have been taught that nudity is something sexual, and thus, something to be ashamed of.
Now, I don't think we should be ashamed of our sexuality, either, but to me, sexuality has to do with actions .. not with simply being the way you are.
If others find your body to be sexual, well, that isn't so odd, but let's remember that this is their response and their emotions.
I don't think there is anything strange about being nude at all.
Maybe I should have been born in the 70's XD
But it is a feeling I can barely describe to be free of everything we put on ourselves. No tight bra, no restricting of anything. Just all of you, out there in the world, as you were born.
Really feeling the world - the sand, the water, the sun, the wind .. all these things that I have lived without ... for so many years I haven't felt life at all.
I was at my most extreme in around 2010, I think, when I was unable to sleep - even during summer - without all of my clothes on - that, at the time, included a big scarf! I also wore it outside, all summer. Only on the warmest of days (and those were so few) would I perhaps dare a t-shirt and to go out for short periods of time like that, with no scarf.
I very much hope that I will be able to go to the beach again this year - if life allows, that would be a wonderful thing! I would then want to bring my diving mask, because that is the only way to go for me (but I hadn't brought it this time, sadly .. I didn't really believe we were going - my dad hates swimming XD).
I love being "under water"; looking at the fish and the beautiful underwater-scapes .. it's my favorite part. I never swam for the sake of it, and honestly I wasn't very graceful in the water at all .. I never was able to keep my head above water XD
Under water, though, I am going to swim like a fish! And I can hardly wait. I guess I will start just bringing the mask every time I visit my dad - just in case life happens!
I wish you a wonderful summer - and don't forget to share this blog <3
Much love, Christina
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