My experience with the art of Tantra Massage

Photo: Astrid Ubaghs

"A genuine Tantra masseur is a true artist. His or her work is to be totally present in the moment and highly aware of the real needs of the one receiving the massage. The aim is to help that person to remove all unseen self-defense mechanisms and mental patterns, allowing the energy of love to shine through every cell of their being, radiating pure inner bliss. Basically, as an artistic expression, such an approach to tantra massage brings us in contact with our inner core, where we discover the shortest path to genuine self-love, which can then radiate in our surroundings."  (description taken from Tantra Templet).

Not so long ago, I finally found the inspiration to try something I have been considering for a long, long time; a Tantric massage. 

For those who never heard of Tantra massage before, it is a heartfelt, sensual and erotic massage, in which you are the only receiver. You are healed and brought back to your Essence through the magic power of touch, emotions and energy.

I became interested in Tantra a few years back after reading about it in Barbara Carrellas' book "Urban Tantra".

The reading experience was life changing for me (and deserves a blog post of its own), and through Tantra, I was able to finally open my mind to let sex become a conscious and healing experience for me instead of shameful, disgusting and scary. 

However, to actually get out of my apartment and go HAVE a Tantric massage wasn't in the cards for a long time. There have been many reasons over the years, but the one it always comes back to is the big one: trust.

Because where on Earth (or, in Copenhagen...) do you find a place in which you will feel safe to receive such an intimate massage?

So when Frejamay November (one of the coolest women I ever met) wrote a blog entry about her experience with a Tantric massage, it was just the small push I needed to try out a professional Tantric massage for the first time. 

I read the blog with interest, and found what I had been waiting for: a recommendation of a safe space by someone I know and trust. When there was no worries left about the safety of the experience, nothing was holding me back, and I booked a 3 hour massage.

Photo by me

I anticipated the event all week.

I wasn't terribly nervous, actually - just a bit excited. 

Finally, I would get to really feel a REAL Tantric massage! 

The questions were many: how would I feel? Would it be a sexual experience? Would it leave me feeling healed? Would I cry? (I saw the last one as the most likely option).

When the day finally arrived, I knocked at the door to the Tantra Temple, and was welcomed by a stunning female masseur, who opened the door to a beautifully spiritual and soulful space, decorated with vintage furniture, silky curtains, candles and flowers. 

She introduced herself (and her name was that of a flower that I am currently painting, beautiful synchronicity) then led me to the room with HARMONY written on the door.

I caught some glimpses at the other rooms, too, and the words on the doors. 

I felt like Harmony was definitely the destination for me on that particular day.  

 

Inside the Harmony room, I felt comfortable and relaxed in the surroundings. I honestly don't always feel at home in such beautiful surroundings (or anywhere, if I am being totally honest), but I did in "my" Harmony room. 

The main color in there was red. 

My colour. 

Red curtains, red mattress, red flower on the table. 

I thought of the root chakra and I thought of my hair colour, and felt welcome in the red interior. 

There was an instant, genuine connection between me and my masseur, and this helped me past my usual feelings of self-deprecation pretty quickly. 

She was warm and loving, and I wish that I could say that I feel totally great about my appearance, but the journey towards body neutrality is life long and difficult. 

Lately I have been feeling very disconnected from myself and from my body; this was another reason I chose to get a Tantric massage at this time in my life. 

Even though I knew the tools of Tantra myself, I had felt unable to connect to my sensuality. 

Again and again I felt like I was failing, and I was becoming frustrated with the whole thing. 

I have had increasing problems with relaxation and focus, making everything even more difficult. 

 

It became clear to me that my sexual healing  (Yeah!!! Go listen to that gorgeous song!) process had halted.

Something had shut down and I didn't know how to open it back up, even though I wanted to. 

Well, to be completely honest, maybe I didn't really want to, either.

It had become difficult to even know what I wanted; I felt too apathetic to desire much of anything. 

However, I want to emphasize that the tools of Tantra CAN definitely be applied to a home practice. I have done it many times with great results. If you don't feel like a professional massage, there are lots of ressources to help yourself. (I recommened Barbara Carellas). 

But this time, I felt like I wanted to make less of a personal effort (I always dedicate myself fully when I decide to work on an aspect of myself), and give myself the gift of having someone else simply help me for a change. 

Before the massage, the masseur took all the time needed to talk to me about anything I felt like I needed to talk about. She asked questions that I later realized was to help her help me as best as she could. I shared with her my experiences with my body, my sexuality (or the lack thereof) and my motivation for being at the temple.

I told her that I felt that past experiences had built up in my body, leaving me unable to feel sexual unless I really focused my energy on trying to feel aroused. I also told her my personal story about how I never learned to masturbate as a kid/teenager, and generally never felt any real sexual desire for whatever reason.

I expected her to look mystefied or horrified or something similar, but instead she gave me my most valuable lesson and a brand new thought - that I am, in fact, not broken (or even weird, at least in this respect XD). It was just one of those moments I will never forget. 

In my experience, many people feel like they are somehow deviant/weird/different, especially when it comes to their bodies and sexuality.

Communication is the way to heal our wounds; if we are brave enough to open up and talk to other people, we will usually find that other people recognize our feelings perfectly well.

That's when our innermost shames and secrets are healed, and we can start to look at ourselves as not broken, but just human. 

However, sexuality is still something that many people are afraid to talk to others about. We are taught that sexuality is shameful and our secrets often remain our own. 

I have been fairly open about my sexual experiences since I entered my 30's, and have shared my scattered and weird experiences and thoughts on the matter on this blog and wherever. 

I do think it's one of the silliest thing in society that we shouldn't be able to learn to have sex in a more conscious and pleasurable way, without feeling any shame about that. There seem to be a cultural thing around sex so that it's kept this way; we don't really like to talk to kids and teens about sex, either. First of all, we probably don't have a whole lot to share with regards to heightened sexual pleasure and how to achieve it. And second of all, we are all so shame-ridden ourselves that we don't feel like it's appropriate to talk about the subject.

I think it's just bullshit, and I believe in sharing experiences as much as possible, in a respectful way that leaves room for kids to come ask about anything that's on their minds, without feeling the pressure of having to discuss private matters unless they want to. 

I'm maybe not in a place where I can teach anyone anything yet, but I can share, and that can be just as helpful. Like one of my students said to me after I told her about my first sexual experience:

Well.... at least, now I know not to do THAT...

Isn't it magnificent?! 

Anyway, the being motivated to help ourselves heal by showing ourselves acts of kindness is an idea worth sharing, though, however we choose to apply that. 

The Tantra masseuse looked at me after I asked my all insecure questions about sexuality. 

"Isn't it weird?" I asked her. To not have any biological urge? It is weird, right? I mean, it has to be weird. We are biologically here to procreate, so what's wrong with me?" I asked her, and her words made an impact on me that I think I will never forget:

 "There is no normal".

It seems so simple in hindsight, but ...

I think things often seem simple because they are true, and we just hear them and think - yeah of course! 

But then, we fail to think much further than that, because ...

If there is no normal, then all the little shameful things we have been hiding are not very big deals, after all.

We are just all different! 

I was flabbergasted. There is no normal? 

The masseuse explained, that some people might just need a certain kind of touch or more time before we can feel sexual. 

And that's fine. 

Beats broken, right? :P

So, despite all the beautiful body image work that I have done (and written about in previous blog entries), I never considered that having no real sexual desire might not be a defect or because I was broken by someone or something in the past, like I had thought for so many years. 

The masseuse told me that I was perfectly able to open up physically and mentally - I just needed time and relaxation to do so. 

YAY!!!!

She generously shared her own experiences which were not all that dissimilar to my own; she, too, had felt disconnected from her sexual emotions. Her Tantric path had taught her about the difference between sexual energy and erotic energy. 

Sexual energy is the biological urge that makes us want to procreate. It's what most people think about when they think about desire.

However, erotic energy is totally different from that. 

It is more than that, though it might seem like less than that. 

In my understanding, it can be summed up to be in the mindfulness that is brought to the sexual experience, the quietness in which we can really meet ourselves and our partner.

After the conversation (a cosy little tea party!) with the masseuse, the massage in itself began. 

I was asked to lie down naked on the bed and wait for her to come back. 

She was wearing panties during the massage, and it made the experience more intimate that I wasn't the only person who was naked (I often get regular massages too, and have often felt just a little bit awkward, being the "naked one" in a room with a fully clothed person). 

Since I haven't been used to this kind of experience before, I had many emotions coming up for me, and many thoughts as well. However, I was doing my best to relax and not notice them so much that they would distract me from the sensory experience. 

While the massage was going on, I could feel a genuine warmth and - okay, I'll say it - I could feel her love for me and I think that is why I was able to relax during what might seem like a bit of an intimate encounter with a stranger.

Well, it was an intimate encounter with a stranger, but definitely a stranger who I "knew" from her openness and her warmth.

A Tantric massage is a full body massage, but you can choose to have yoni (vaginal) massage too, if it feels right for you.

I felt like I was ready for that, but I was of course wondering what it would feel like. Would I be aroused? Would I be awkward?! 

The answer to both was no. 

I wasn't feeling sexual, but I might have felt erotic.

I definitely have a lot to learn about what eroticism really means - I realized just how much after the masseuse told me, that she had learned to open up to even nature being erotic - for example, rain drops falling.

Well, take me there, please!😍

I was enjoying three hours in total at the temple, including the talk before and after.

The massage started with me on my belly, and the masseuse using her entire body in a very beautiful way to massage me. 

Then I was asked to turn around, and the massage continued on the front of the body.

She held my hands, she massaged my feet - the entire body was seen and felt, and at the end of it, I chose the yoni massage.

I felt that I was ready, and we had previously explained that if I wasn't, she'd be able to feel it. I was amazed with her ability to connect with me, even without words, though she often asked me about how I was feeling. 

Her touch was so soft that I could only compare it to that of a feather; far from the touch of any person I have ever met before, male or female. There was just such a difference in the way that she touched and the way other people have touched me, even the most loving of touches didn't compare.

But more glaringly obvious the difference was also in how I touch myself. 

The world of touch really opened up in an entirely new way, and I consider myself quite creative. 

There was also no doubt in my mind that this wasn't just any touch - but a special kind of touch that makes the entire body feel seen and loved and puts your mind at ease.

I felt relaxed, happy, integrated, like my body was becoming whole again. It was almost as if I was able to feel my body only when the various parts of it were activated by touch. 

For once, I am lacking the right words to describe my experience, but I think that is because I really tend to think things much more than I feel them.

I was able to connect much more than I thought to emotions I never knew I was able to. 

Even though the massage was something I will never forget, the after effects were even more surprising.

After I left the temple, I was initially feeling just a little bit empty.

While the massage was wonderful, there hadn't been any massive awakening, any intense pleasure, which I might have subconsciously hoped for, (just a little bit).

Quite silly of me to be hoping for it to manifest instantly, but well...

I guess I am always hoping for just a little bit of magic!!

However, the magic came a little later...

It came in the form of a physical feeling of bliss that has lasted all day long. I felt happier than I have in a long time, comfortable in my body, connected to myself.

That's all good and well, however, you always feel good after a massage, don't you? So initially I didn't think too much of it.

But as the day went on, I realized something: My body was happy! It was filled with pleasure. 

Gone were all the negative thoughts about life and about my body. 

Just like when a really annoying sound has been there so long you don't notice it anymore, and then it suddenly stops and you think: How did I not notice how awful that sound was before?! 

It was like that.

There was peace.

and I continued to discover little beautiful pieces of wonder and nice feelings and side effects throughtout the day.

When I looked at the paintings I am working on, I suddenly saw them in an entirely new way (for me) - instead of seeing a motive, I could feel it. And it could feel me, I think. I saw the shapes coming to life, or... I felt them coming to life. 

It was magical.

Now all there is left to do is stay awake and emotional.

Oh yes, and do my homework until next time: 

Touch yourself lovingly for 15 minutes each day. 

Photo: Astrid Ubaghs